I realize I need a blog now, more than ever because things in my life go wrong and when I feel like screaming - or crying - I don't have anywhere to go, and I certainly don't want to mess up my make-up. However, sometimes I can't help it and I let the blackness wash over my cheeks. I sob. I cry. I pray to God for him to let me die.
What I'm upset about isn't even important, it doesn't matter, it's pointless - but still my insides are screaming and my mind is flying forward and backwards and inside out all the same time. My sister - flirting with my husband right in fucking front of me. My husband, chasing me into our bedroom when I run away from the situation. Him, here, saying things that don't resolve the situation, promising empty things, and leaving making me more upset then ever. I can't do this anymore. I'm sick. I feel like I'm dying. I have no more hope. I love my husband, I love him so much that I feel like sometimes I should self-sacrifice and take myself out of the picture completely so he can get someone more beautiful, and thin and less SICK. Less PSYCHOTIC. Less FUCKED IN THE BRAIN. Because I binged today - and then I took a handful of laxatives - and I have bruises everywhere and slice marks on my legs - SELF INFLICTED - I'm a moron. I'm pathetic. Because I work out too much. Because I eat too much or too little. Because I don't have balance. Because I'm a mess. I'm insecure. I'm the one who is making the relationship suck. The only good thing about me is HIM. And sooner or later he'll get sick of it - of me. And he'll leave because that's what EVERYONE in my life does. My dad, my brother, my friends, my future - GONE never to return.
This is unedited - I'm not going to go back over my mistakes or stop myself from repeating things. I'm just gonna leave it. And, I'm gonna go do my hair and my make-up. If I look perfect from the outside then nobody will know how ugly and depressed I am on the inside, right? Wiping my tears now - facing the day. I am beautiful. Right... ?