Tuesday, June 14, 2011


I realize I need a blog now, more than ever because things in my life go wrong and when I feel like screaming - or crying - I don't have anywhere to go, and I certainly don't want to mess up my make-up. However, sometimes I can't help it and I let the blackness wash over my cheeks. I sob. I cry. I pray to God for him to let me die.

What I'm upset about isn't even important, it doesn't matter, it's pointless - but still my insides are screaming and my mind is flying forward and backwards and inside out all the same time. My sister - flirting with my husband right in fucking front of me. My husband, chasing me into our bedroom when I run away from the situation. Him, here, saying things that don't resolve the situation, promising empty things, and leaving making me more upset then ever. I can't do this anymore. I'm sick. I feel like I'm dying. I have no more hope. I love my husband, I love him so much that I feel like sometimes I should self-sacrifice and take myself out of the picture completely so he can get someone more beautiful, and thin and less SICK. Less PSYCHOTIC. Less FUCKED IN THE BRAIN. Because I binged today - and then I took a handful of laxatives - and I have bruises everywhere and slice marks on my legs - SELF INFLICTED - I'm a moron. I'm pathetic. Because I work out too much. Because I eat too much or too little. Because I don't have balance. Because I'm a mess. I'm insecure. I'm the one who is making the relationship suck. The only good thing about me is HIM. And sooner or later he'll get sick of it - of me. And he'll leave because that's what EVERYONE in my life does. My dad, my brother, my friends, my future - GONE never to return.

This is unedited - I'm not going to go back over my mistakes or stop myself from repeating things. I'm just gonna leave it. And, I'm gonna go do my hair and my make-up. If I look perfect from the outside then nobody will know how ugly and depressed I am on the inside, right? Wiping my tears now - facing the day. I am beautiful. Right... ?

1 comment:

  1. Ash, you *are* beautiful. Some of your words and your fears are so familiar to me - I'm also newly married, and no-one tells you beforehand how *hard* it's going to be! How lonely you'll feel sometimes, how little your husband will understand some of your fears. But try to believe that he loves you, or he wouldn't have married you. Nobody forced him into this, right? If he'd wanted someone different he would have married them. But he chose you because he sees something beautiful in you, inside as well as out. Maybe you could speak to your sister about her behaviour separately, if you have a good relationship with her..?
    I'm thinking of you and hope things start looking up soon. (Sorry, longest comment ever!) xxx