Thursday, June 16, 2011

Bad Mood

Well, it seems that I have one follower - thank you Miss Sophie. Once I had a blog on here when I was 16 and it was all about my self-injury and depression and I had SO many followers. I guess it's all about finding the words to the feelings everyone experiences on some level.

I have been messing things up. I went to a funeral this morning for a friend's mom who died after a three and a half year battle with breast cancer. It was neat because her "dying wish" was that everyone wear pink instead of black. It made the day seem a little less dreary. Regardless, I still cried like it was my own mother who had passed. It really makes you think about things... How is my relationship with my mother?

I've been messing things up because all these emotions have been flooding my life. I've sorta become an "emotion wreak". I went to the gym with my husband today. It was a legs day. I hate legs days. I pretty much flipped the fuck out because he told me to up my weight to 175 on the seated bench press but I was just fine at 135. I think I made him feel really bad. I wasn't quiet about it either. He backed off, and it hasn't been the same since.

I think I spazzed because of the emotions brought up about the funeral, I was also tired and cranky and was feeling some side effects from the WAY TOO MANY PM medicine I took last night. I looked in the mirror at the gym and just saw fat.ugly.fat.ugly. and more fat. I channeled all my energy on my poor husband. I've apologized now. Also, I just got in a huge fight with my dad. ladjflajdflajsdf. blah.

I need to just water fast for a few days. I'm thinking I'll restrict to my original 400 for the weekend and then I'll water fast Monday - Thursday. I hope you find a million reasons to smile today, girls.

1 comment:

  1. Hope this isn't too stalky - I was out for a walk yesterday and suddenly you popped into my head so I thought I'd stop by and see how things are going.
    I'm sorry to hear about your friend's mom. One of my friends died from a brain tumour in high school and asked everyone to wear purple to the funeral - you're right, it does lift the mood a little, but funerals are just painful occasions by default. Don't feel bad that it made your emotions a little crazy.
    I think sometimes there's a relation between arguing with people and feeling fat. Arguments make people feel ugly inside sometimes, and maybe that makes us see ugliness on the outside too...? Just a theory based on my own experience. In any case, I hope you feel encouraged every time you look up at that stats bar and see the huge difference between your HW and your CW - that's an amazing loss! You should be proud of yourself :)
    Sorry for such a long comment! *hugs*