'Ello!

Well, here we go again – diving too deep for words. I’m being sucked into a dark black hole by a force much stronger than your average vacuum cleaner. My heart, body and soul are enjoying this painful transition but my mind is screaming to stop. My brain is out numbered by the body it controls, by my human feelings, and sadly here I am again. Here I am begging the gods of thin, beautiful and sexy to give me a body – a perfect soul – that I can call my own.

The scale laughed at me this morning: 138.0 lbs. After being 133.5 for – LITERALLY – two weeks straight it shot up out of no where. Well, not out of no where, I take that back. Yesterday, my fiancé told me I ate like a man and while that hurt like hell for him to tell me it was very bluntly true. I ate an egg, two sausages and a biscuit for breakfast, followed by a salad (tons of ranch dressing) at Zaxby’s, half a brownie and a Subway sandwich loaded with things like cheese and mayo. Plus I downed chips and chocolates all along the way. Sometimes I have those days where I just eat and eat and eat and I don’t even care.

Of course the next day when my scale laughs – I usually cry. And so starts the vicious cycle that I’m so randomly caught up in. I eat, when I gain weight, I stop eating, when I lose weight, I keep losing it until I get emotional or my fiancé says I’m too skinny and then I eat again. My highest weight was 171.0 lbs, my lowest was 112.0 lbs. I’m all over the place! However, I’ve been stuck at 135 – 143 for six months now. My lowest and ultimate goal weight is marked at 98 lbs (I’m 5’4”). I hope to get there soon.

My best, long-distance friend Miana and I are starting a diet off together on Monday. We’re both utterly disgusted with our weights so we’re taking the initiative. Monday we will begin the three day lemon cleanse (which I still have to research – it was her idea although I trust this chick with my life). From there I believe we’ll be restricting with designated fasting days – plus my lovely Miana is studying to be a personal trainer so a work out plan is indeed being created.

I’m getting married in 26 days and the stress my fiancé and I are under is absolutely unimaginable (even though we’re technically eloping) as a result of that our sex life is non-existent and we’re fighting a lot more. He turns everything around on me when we fight. So – he’s been attaching my weight a lot more by saying things like, “I don’t even want to have sex anymore,” or “You should be a size four,” and “Your legs are a little bit big,” Ugh! In his defense, he’s my gym partner and my trainer, and we’re both very, VERY conscious about our weights and shapes and things along those lines.

I’m just so sick of being the same for the last half a year or so. I’m ready to kick this into high gear and do something! It’s nice to meet all of you, by the way. I’ve had a blog before and I think I remember some of you – but other than that I’m new. = )