Realization

I realize I need a blog now, more than ever because things in my life go wrong and when I feel like screaming - or crying - I don't have anywhere to go, and I certainly don't want to mess up my make-up. However, sometimes I can't help it and I let the blackness wash over my cheeks. I sob. I cry. I pray to God for him to let me die.

What I'm upset about isn't even important, it doesn't matter, it's pointless - but still my insides are screaming and my mind is flying forward and backwards and inside out all the same time. My sister - flirting with my husband right in fucking front of me. My husband, chasing me into our bedroom when I run away from the situation. Him, here, saying things that don't resolve the situation, promising empty things, and leaving making me more upset then ever. I can't do this anymore. I'm sick. I feel like I'm dying. I have no more hope. I love my husband, I love him so much that I feel like sometimes I should self-sacrifice and take myself out of the picture completely so he can get someone more beautiful, and thin and less SICK. Less PSYCHOTIC. Less FUCKED IN THE BRAIN. Because I binged today - and then I took a handful of laxatives - and I have bruises everywhere and slice marks on my legs - SELF INFLICTED - I'm a moron. I'm pathetic. Because I work out too much. Because I eat too much or too little. Because I don't have balance. Because I'm a mess. I'm insecure. I'm the one who is making the relationship suck. The only good thing about me is HIM. And sooner or later he'll get sick of it - of me. And he'll leave because that's what EVERYONE in my life does. My dad, my brother, my friends, my future - GONE never to return.

This is unedited - I'm not going to go back over my mistakes or stop myself from repeating things. I'm just gonna leave it. And, I'm gonna go do my hair and my make-up. If I look perfect from the outside then nobody will know how ugly and depressed I am on the inside, right? Wiping my tears now - facing the day. I am beautiful. Right... ?

Exercise

I love to exercise. M is taking me to the gym - he told me to be ready to leave by one. It's only 11:40am now so I think I'll start my cardio before hand and just run with it. I love seeing the calorie count continue to rise higher and higher. It makes me feel lovely. The scale told me I was 133.5 yesterday morning. That's a total of five pounds already!

Of course, I had to fuck it up. I went out with friends to Chick-fil-a and had 940 calories worth of crap, plus M and I made popcorn that night. Grr. So, I didn't weigh today because I'm fearful that the 133.5 number has gone away. Give me a few days to get back down and I'll weigh again shortly.

I had 200 calories today worth of egg and grains. I hope to have another 400 calories later on today. I want to eat under 600 calories on a normal day to day basis. On restricting days, obviously, it'll dip much lower than that. I can run on 600 calories very nicely though. And on one of my excessive excercising days I can easily dip into negatives with an intake of 600 (really, it's only two hours on the treadmill with incline). I like to do that when nobody is home and I'm so terribely and blissfully alone. Which is going to be more and more hard now. I'm getting married next Thursday and then I'm going on a short, sweet little honeymoon (M has talked about the cider and the chicken parm), and then I start working full time that next monday. After I start that job at the Assistant Living Building, I'm also going to take a second job as a suicide watch person during the nights at the hospital. So, I won't be watched when it comes to food, but I also won't have any excercise opportunities. And if I'm being greatly honest - I like to eat SOMETHING and then just burn it off. I feel like sometimes my body likes nutrition... hmm, who wudda thought?

Well, it's 11:50am now and I'm off to work out. Have a great day!