tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14076860915531782092024-03-08T04:37:06.130-08:00Between Hurricane & HarborAsh O'Brienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15661656914911290251noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1407686091553178209.post-26363904255177409092011-06-16T17:13:00.000-07:002011-06-16T17:13:17.700-07:00Bad MoodWell, it seems that I have one follower - thank you Miss Sophie. Once I had a blog on here when I was 16 and it was all about my self-injury and depression and I had SO many followers. I guess it's all about finding the words to the feelings everyone experiences on some level. <br />
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I have been messing things up. I went to a funeral this morning for a friend's mom who died after a three and a half year battle with breast cancer. It was neat because her "dying wish" was that everyone wear pink instead of black. It made the day seem a little less dreary. Regardless, I still cried like it was my own mother who had passed. It really makes you think about things... How is my relationship with my mother? <br />
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I've been messing things up because all these emotions have been flooding my life. I've sorta become an "emotion wreak". I went to the gym with my husband today. It was a legs day. I hate legs days. I pretty much flipped the fuck out because he told me to up my weight to 175 on the seated bench press but I was just fine at 135. I think I made him feel really bad. I wasn't quiet about it either. He backed off, and it hasn't been the same since. <br />
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I think I spazzed because of the emotions brought up about the funeral, I was also tired and cranky and was feeling some side effects from the WAY TOO MANY PM medicine I took last night. I looked in the mirror at the gym and just saw fat.ugly.fat.ugly. and more fat. I channeled all my energy on my poor husband. I've apologized now. Also, I just got in a huge fight with my dad. ladjflajdflajsdf. blah. <br />
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I need to just water fast for a few days. I'm thinking I'll restrict to my original 400 for the weekend and then I'll water fast Monday - Thursday. I hope you find a million reasons to smile today, girls.Ash O'Brienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15661656914911290251noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1407686091553178209.post-37434190972016192812011-06-15T07:10:00.000-07:002011-06-15T07:10:04.975-07:00Starting OverI haven't been on this blog in such a long time. I noticed that my STATS from four months ago were 135 pounds, my stats of recently are 125 pounds. I felt proud seeing that, 10 pounds gone another 27 left to go! I also had to change my profile because it said, "I'm 17 and engaged..." now I'm 18 and married. Fancy that. Life changes so fast. <br />
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Yesterday I binged on all this shit food. Pepperoni pizza and chips and dip, among other things so I didn't want to weigh this morning and mess up my day. I'm planning on eating 400 calories today. We'll see how it goes. When I have to cram for finals and stuff I tend to eat more.more.more than I should. And today is finals DAY for me. I took off work and everything. ; ) <br />
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I'll be updating.Ash O'Brienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15661656914911290251noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1407686091553178209.post-16270518270300389302011-06-14T13:13:00.000-07:002011-06-14T13:13:17.632-07:00RealizationI realize I need a blog now, more than ever because things in my life go wrong and when I feel like screaming - or crying - I don't have anywhere to go, and I certainly don't want to mess up my make-up. However, sometimes I can't help it and I let the blackness wash over my cheeks. I sob. I cry. I pray to God for him to let me die. <br />
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What I'm upset about isn't even important, it doesn't matter, it's pointless - but still my insides are screaming and my mind is flying forward and backwards and inside out all the same time. My sister - flirting with my husband right in fucking front of me. My husband, chasing me into our bedroom when I run away from the situation. Him, here, saying things that don't resolve the situation, promising empty things, and leaving making me more upset then ever. I can't do this anymore. I'm sick. I feel like I'm dying. I have no more hope. I love my husband, I love him so much that I feel like sometimes I should self-sacrifice and take myself out of the picture completely so he can get someone more beautiful, and thin and less SICK. Less PSYCHOTIC. Less FUCKED IN THE BRAIN. Because I binged today - and then I took a handful of laxatives - and I have bruises everywhere and slice marks on my legs - SELF INFLICTED - I'm a moron. I'm pathetic. Because I work out too much. Because I eat too much or too little. Because I don't have balance. Because I'm a mess. I'm insecure. I'm the one who is making the relationship suck. The only good thing about me is HIM. And sooner or later he'll get sick of it - of me. And he'll leave because that's what EVERYONE in my life does. My dad, my brother, my friends, my future - GONE never to return. <br />
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This is unedited - I'm not going to go back over my mistakes or stop myself from repeating things. I'm just gonna leave it. And, I'm gonna go do my hair and my make-up. If I look perfect from the outside then nobody will know how ugly and depressed I am on the inside, right? Wiping my tears now - facing the day. I am beautiful. Right... ?Ash O'Brienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15661656914911290251noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1407686091553178209.post-22391248650948412902011-03-16T08:50:00.001-07:002011-03-16T08:50:43.896-07:00ExerciseI love to exercise. M is taking me to the gym - he told me to be ready to leave by one. It's only 11:40am now so I think I'll start my cardio before hand and just run with it. I love seeing the calorie count continue to rise higher and higher. It makes me feel lovely. The scale told me I was 133.5 yesterday morning. That's a total of five pounds already! <br />
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Of course, I had to fuck it up. I went out with friends to Chick-fil-a and had 940 calories worth of crap, plus M and I made popcorn that night. Grr. So, I didn't weigh today because I'm fearful that the 133.5 number has gone away. Give me a few days to get back down and I'll weigh again shortly. <br />
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I had 200 calories today worth of egg and grains. I hope to have another 400 calories later on today. I want to eat under 600 calories on a normal day to day basis. On restricting days, obviously, it'll dip much lower than that. I can run on 600 calories very nicely though. And on one of my excessive excercising days I can easily dip into negatives with an intake of 600 (really, it's only two hours on the treadmill with incline). I like to do that when nobody is home and I'm so terribely and blissfully alone. Which is going to be more and more hard now. I'm getting married next Thursday and then I'm going on a short, sweet little honeymoon (M has talked about the cider and the chicken parm), and then I start working full time that next monday. After I start that job at the Assistant Living Building, I'm also going to take a second job as a suicide watch person during the nights at the hospital. So, I won't be watched when it comes to food, but I also won't have any excercise opportunities. And if I'm being greatly honest - I like to eat SOMETHING and then just burn it off. I feel like sometimes my body likes nutrition... hmm, who wudda thought?<br />
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Well, it's 11:50am now and I'm off to work out. Have a great day!Ash O'Brienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15661656914911290251noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1407686091553178209.post-75231828956294925442011-03-13T18:34:00.000-07:002011-03-13T18:34:38.843-07:00Caution TapeI find I need some type of control in my life. I thought, "Psht, I have an ED because I want to be thin and beautiful not because I need control." But, I've started noticing how my dad said I couldn't play the drums (which I'm super good at & love with all my heart) because I had to be a vocalist... How my mom used to pick out all my clothes and dress me up like a doll with out an identity. And now, my fiance holds my arm when he wants me to stay somewhere against my will... <br />
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Ahh. Not eating and working out is the only thing left I can control. It's the only thing I'm good at. I'll weigh soon, I feel lighter today. I'm two weeks late for my period... could I harm a child in my belly with not eating? Married in 10 days!Ash O'Brienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15661656914911290251noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1407686091553178209.post-15269406225384185582011-03-02T19:33:00.000-08:002011-03-02T19:33:54.192-08:00Carrots and BabiesI have just found a really amazing new food: Carrots. Like, who knew? I'm really in love with them. I dip them in two tbsp lite ranch which is only 80 calories and I'm quite satisfied. <br />
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Today I finally moved some of my things over to my fiances room. Just some odds and ends. I'm going to be married in 21 days! Wow. It's all solidifying itself as the time gets closer and closer. <br />
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I worked out today burning 520 calories. I ate 1,613 calories today - I'm pretty sure it's less than that though because all of my estimates where really high (Michael took me out to eat, Mom made chicken dumplings). It was really a bad day for me. My net intake for today is 1,093. <br />
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Every month when I'm suppost to get my period I'm scared that I'm pregnant because my fiance and I never use protection (don't ask, 'cause I don't know why we don't!). Every month when I'm about to get my period I freak out and think that all these symptoms are showing up and then a few days later I get the flow. Phantom Pregnancy. Well, I seriously think I'm pregnant this time. I know, I sound nuts because I literally say this every month. But, I should get my period tomorrow and I'll try not to say I told you so when I don't. <br />
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Keep me in your thoughts girlsAsh O'Brienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15661656914911290251noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1407686091553178209.post-17606155346424312012011-03-01T17:16:00.001-08:002011-03-01T17:16:28.953-08:00La la laThese posts have been really quite boring lately. I don't know what it is. My life is just so hectic right now and there is so much drama I wouldn't know where to start, if I were to tell you all about it. I will be married and 18 all by the end of the month, which scares me greatly. <br />
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I walked uphill for only 20 minutes today but it burned 230 calories. I ate quite a bit but I'm not too worried about it because I stayed below my limets for intake. I'm about to go eat with my fiance and everything is planned so I can eat under 200 calories. <br />
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I love that my fiance was talking about "getting healthy" today. We decided we try a lot of stuff from the Meditteranean Diet because it's the healthiest lifestyle in the world. I've got some really great new fish recipes and veggie stuff that will be SUPER low cal and very delicous. I love you my boy.Ash O'Brienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15661656914911290251noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1407686091553178209.post-88030419124359307582011-02-27T11:57:00.001-08:002011-02-27T11:57:51.890-08:00Lovely Boy who Speaks his MindIt’s after church and everyone is talking and kids are running around with their freshly made crafts from Sunday school. The door is wide open letting in the milky warm day and a fresh pine scented breeze. Everything is just right- I’m laughing with my best friend and her fiancé when I see my own lovely boy from across the room. “I’ll be right back,” I said, excusing myself. I crossed the room and fell into his arms, so big and so strong. He picks me up and twirls me around and laughs, letting my dress flow with the movements.<br />
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When he puts me down he says, “You feel so much lighter today,” And he’s right, such a lovely day because the scale told me I was 135.0 lbs today. Life is good when I’m losing.Ash O'Brienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15661656914911290251noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1407686091553178209.post-23130312514719108352011-02-26T07:00:00.000-08:002011-02-26T07:00:12.442-08:00Cool Phone AppSo, I will be the first one to tell you that technology mixed with me is a bad combination. We’re like colors that will never match and only look good on a four year old in a tutu. I’m usually asking my fiancé to turn on the TV or to work NetFlix (I somehow always manage to hit the controller the wrong way and then the screen turns black!). My sweet mother got me the Android for Christmas and I’m just now starting to work it (yes that was nearly three months ago!). I was mindlessly searching for nutrition and fitness apps yesterday and found a great one! <br />
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It’s called myfitnesspal. It asked me all these questions about my activity level and my goals and then constructed a plan for me. It told me that I need to work out three times a week (I do double that.) and eat only 1200 calories a day (I’ll eat half that.) It says that if I follow that I should lose two lbs a week. Slow and steadily is how they do. ; ) <br />
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Yesterday I worked out and burned 260 calories, but I ate 1,281 calories, so my net calories were 1,021. They’re not exactly good numbers but I’m waiting on Miana to start our new diet on Monday. The scale went down by 1.5 lbs today – I don’t know how that even happened but I’m happy and I’ll take it. <br />
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This morning I woke up early and the birds were singing which plastered such a huge grin on my face. I went on the treadmill but since my ankle has been hurting me I just walked for twenty minutes on incline. Surprisingly, I burned a whole 210 calories. I’m hoping to get some of my family out today to go on a hike. I love hiking and being with nature – my fiancé does not –which would be the only thing I would ever ask to change about him. <br />
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I’m worried about Miana because yesterday she said she was going to party this weekend and that just always scares the shit out of me. She hasn’t replied since around noon yesterday (my time). Send little prayers her way.Ash O'Brienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15661656914911290251noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1407686091553178209.post-30496559758638470402011-02-25T14:04:00.001-08:002011-02-25T14:09:12.636-08:00'Ello!Well, here we go again – diving too deep for words. I’m being sucked into a dark black hole by a force much stronger than your average vacuum cleaner. My heart, body and soul are enjoying this painful transition but my mind is screaming to stop. My brain is out numbered by the body it controls, by my human feelings, and sadly here I am again. Here I am begging the gods of thin, beautiful and sexy to give me a body – a perfect soul – that I can call my own. <br />
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The scale laughed at me this morning: 138.0 lbs. After being 133.5 for – LITERALLY – two weeks straight it shot up out of no where. Well, not out of no where, I take that back. Yesterday, my fiancé told me I ate like a man and while that hurt like hell for him to tell me it was very bluntly true. I ate an egg, two sausages and a biscuit for breakfast, followed by a salad (tons of ranch dressing) at Zaxby’s, half a brownie and a Subway sandwich loaded with things like cheese and mayo. Plus I downed chips and chocolates all along the way. Sometimes I have those days where I just eat and eat and eat and I don’t even care. <br />
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Of course the next day when my scale laughs – I usually cry. And so starts the vicious cycle that I’m so randomly caught up in. I eat, when I gain weight, I stop eating, when I lose weight, I keep losing it until I get emotional or my fiancé says I’m too skinny and then I eat again. My highest weight was 171.0 lbs, my lowest was 112.0 lbs. I’m all over the place! However, I’ve been stuck at 135 – 143 for six months now. My lowest and ultimate goal weight is marked at 98 lbs (I’m 5’4”). I hope to get there soon. <br />
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My best, long-distance friend Miana and I are starting a diet off together on Monday. We’re both utterly disgusted with our weights so we’re taking the initiative. Monday we will begin the three day lemon cleanse (which I still have to research – it was her idea although I trust this chick with my life). From there I believe we’ll be restricting with designated fasting days – plus my lovely Miana is studying to be a personal trainer so a work out plan is indeed being created. <br />
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I’m getting married in 26 days and the stress my fiancé and I are under is absolutely unimaginable (even though we’re technically eloping) as a result of that our sex life is non-existent and we’re fighting a lot more. He turns everything around on me when we fight. So – he’s been attaching my weight a lot more by saying things like, “I don’t even want to have sex anymore,” or “You should be a size four,” and “Your legs are a little bit big,” Ugh! In his defense, he’s my gym partner and my trainer, and we’re both very, VERY conscious about our weights and shapes and things along those lines. <br />
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I’m just so sick of being the same for the last half a year or so. I’m ready to kick this into high gear and do something! It’s nice to meet all of you, by the way. I’ve had a blog before and I think I remember some of you – but other than that I’m new. = )Ash O'Brienhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15661656914911290251noreply@blogger.com1